Lately I have found myself mentioning the dynamic of addiction to several people. The point was not that they were addicts but that the patterns of addiction are so present in our culture that we are all susceptible to them to some degree.

The one aspect in particular that I noticed was the compulsion to do something to alleviate discomfort. A habit had been formed to allow them to avoid an emotional or energetic state that felt unacceptable. In each case the person was unaware of the pattern, which is what allowed it to occur. They felt uncomfortable and so they did something to make themselves feel better in the moment.

The problem was that there was a short-term payoff (relief) and a long-term price that went unrecognized. Ask a real addict and they’ll tell you this pattern is highly symptomatic of addictive behavior.

In one a case client would always get a surge of energy around a creative project. It made him feel like he just HAD to go for a walk or bike ride to burn off the agitation. He was in great shape, but the work never got done.

In another case a client who is valued for her compassion and support would compromise her feedback to people because of the tension that hard truths can create. She was concerned that it would sever the “connectedness” that people appreciated her so much for, and she cared so much about. Nobody was ever made to feel awkward, but they missed out on the deeper insights she could have offered them.

In both cases, once they recognized the habit, they created the opportunity to make a different choice. Perhaps that is what separates people experiencing the dynamic of addiction from real addicts – the ability to choose differently simply by becoming aware of the pattern.

My clients’ challenge was to be willing to go through some discomfort (to not be distracted by it) in order to realize the bigger payoff down the road. Being uncomfortable can be seen as the necessary price of getting some important work accomplished, or making a place for, and inviting someone into a deeper, more profound connection where their benefits would be multiplied.

Over time I believe this approach also transforms the discomfort. It not only redefines it as something to no longer be avoided, it actually can lessen the discomfort since it is no longer being feared and resisted.

So at this point I know what you’re thinking: “That’s great, but what does this have to do with monsters?”

Excellent question – I knew there was a reason I liked you!

Well, what are monsters? One answer would be: the personification of what we fear in ourselves and others – that which is out to get us. And what are we currently afraid of? It’s not Frankenstein or the Mummy. The ones I see coming up over and over lately are vampires and zombies.

Zombies represent the highest form of unconsciousness. Mindless, slow-moving shells of a human being completely controlled by group-think. In this state all they can do is compulsively and relentlessly pursue their survival level needs, leaving a trail of senseless destruction in their wake.

Vampires are tragically romanticized addicts. Doomed to exist in the shadows, they survive only at the expense of others, controlled and defined by their dependency.

I believe these monsters, with which we are so fascinated, represent aspects of the most formidable obstacles of our time: unconsciousness and dependency. This is what we really fear – what is behind so much of the destruction, misery and meaninglessness of our time. This is what prevents us from getting out of our own way and realizing our full potential.

Do you notice vampires and zombies out to get you? Tell me about it in a comment below.

Noticing tree photo by ZeMoufette

Meg has a mounting list of grievances against the contractor she hired, but she avoids binging them up because it always just makes it worse.

Stan cringes when his wife announces that they “need to talk”. Even though he rehearses his side of the argument in his head he gets flustered and draws a blank in the moment.

Every time Frank tries to sort through his disagreements with his business partner he ends up feeling stupid and wrong.

I am a very big advocate of a power-sharing approach between people when trying to resolve a disagreement or process a difficult situation.

Normally people are engaged in a power struggle, meaning two points of view clash and one prevails. When you share power you seek a common goal, focusing on a result that is mutually beneficial. Ideally both parties are empowered by pursuing a third alternative.

Unfortunately this is not easy. It takes time and practice, and goes much more smoothly if both people are doing it, which can be difficult to create.

So what I want to focus on is an intermediate step. This approach applies particularly to the member of some type of partnership (spouse, friend, coworker, etc.) who is the less dominant or aggressive energetically. They are usually more sensitive, conflict avoidant, and feel in some way that the other person “fights better” than they do, or is better at getting their way.

Therefore, when conflict is imminent their energy goes into avoiding attack or mapping out how to defend their turf. There is often the fantasy that if they could just express their side in the right way, using just the right words the other person would see their point.

This is unlikely because the more dominant partner usually isn’t really open to your point of view. They are focused on winning the argument. Their goal is to make you wrong in order for them to be right. After all you can’t both be right…

Here’s what I suggest you try instead:

Identify your truth. Not the truth – your truth. Make sure it’s really valid to you and not just an ego position or something you don’t want to face. Once you are really in touch with it, your job is to stand for it, represent it – not to force it on the other person or convince them of anything.

Remember they can’t make you wrong, because it’s your truth. They can only present a different truth which may seem hard to reconcile with yours. You must shift your focus off who’s right and what the answer or decision is going to be. You must agree to disagree. Just because they want to get their way doesn’t make you wrong.

All you are looking to do initially is to have both sides articulated and heard. Then you must accept that you do not immediately have an answer, because that is the truth of the moment. Recognize you do not have resolution and then be willing to leave it there for the moment.

It is a much different proposition to simply stand in your truth rather than trying to use it to beat the other person down with or keep it from being crushed in an onslaught. From this point of view it doesn’t matter if the other person hates, dismisses, or attacks your idea. It only matters how you feel about it.

It’s like saying you shouldn’t like fruitcake. Well if you do, you do, and they can feel about it however they like. You are the only one who gets to determine how you feel.

This doesn’t mean you don’t listen to what they say and how they feel. Maybe when you consider their position, it will authentically affect your truth. But ultimately your highest loyalty must be to honor your truth whatever it turns out to be.

The challenge now is to be willing to live with the tension of a perceived lack of agreement between two truths. This can be very uncomfortable for some people. Avoiding this discomfort is what prevents many people from effectively standing in their truth in the first place.

But if you are willing to face the moment it can create a space for the answer/solution/compromise to organically occur. This is the beginning of the place from which the Third Way can emerge. At the very least it helps to address the resentment and lack of respect that the original argument creates.

Noticing tree photo by ZeMoufette

Last time I talked about old stuff showing up to be released, and the power of experiencing yourself facing up to it and not being controlled by it. One thing I see people struggling with, though, is facing something difficult (confrontation, cynicism, the need to be assertive/ accepting/ open minded, etc.) and then becoming discouraged when the challenge continues to occur. It feels like what they are doing must not be working.

“I identified that I needed to stand up for my boundaries with my coworkers. I did it and it worked but I keep having to do it.”

“I tried really hard not to sound critical of my daughter, but it seems like no matter what I say she still takes it that way.”

“I realize my wife and I have different communication styles and that her intention is to express affection. But I just wish she didn’t talk to me that way.”

They took action and the results seemed inconclusive or temporary. They practiced that new mindset but it didn’t make the old one go away completely. Creating change is hard work and if the payoff isn’t clear it doesn’t seem like there’s any point.

But here’s the thing -

The things we really struggle with are difficult because they’ve become habits. One of the reasons a negative belief or habit is so powerful is that we’ve been repeating it and reinforcing it for a long time. A habit, by definition, has to be practiced over and over until it becomes second nature (A belief can be seen as a habitual thought). The most effective habits (negative or positive) operate at the speed of light, without our even having to think about them. That’s why the negative ones are so insidious – they are streamlined, market tested, and operating on auto pilot.

Therefore -

What I suggest is to replace your undesirable habit with one that would serve you. And creating new habits, like getting to Carnegie Hall, requires practice, practice, practice. So when that situation you hate insists on resurfacing, instead of investing your energy in feeling ineffective, unsupported, or resistant, see it instead as opportunity. You’ve gotten this far – you identified that habit that’s holding you back, you clarified the change you wish to create. The critical third step is to get really good at execution.

In order for that new positive relationship to the situation to work on auto pilot, or the substitution of the new constructive thought to occur at light speed, you are going to need a lot of chances to practice. You said you wanted it to be different … How kind and generous of the Universe to have supplied you with ample opportunity to create the new habit of your choosing.

Noticing tree photo by ZeMoufette

I’ve been observing themes like this for years. My marketing department always suggests I share them with the public. See what you think…

One of the themes showing up with several clients this week is the specter of “old stuff” popping up during transition. Right in the middle of the enthusiasm and optimism of entering a new relationship or shifting to a more satisfying career path, old beliefs, behaviors, or obstacles rear their ugly heads.

“Not this again! I thought I was past that already! This seems like a bad sign – and everything was going so well. It’s never going to be different….”

Here they were embracing change, letting go of the old, and they end up feeling like they are right back where they started. Their hope was that this new self in this new situation wouldn’t experience fear of intimacy, or encounter conflict, or suffer communication breakdowns, or re-create childhood traumas. And sometimes it does work that way.

But here’s the thing -

In a lot of cases, just because you aren’t being faced with the bad thing anymore, it doesn’t mean you don’t still carry your fear of it. To truly be done with it means it doesn’t matter if the bad thing shows up or not because you know you can handle it. Learning to avoid being bullied doesn’t address the fear that you might be. Learning to stand up to a bully means you no longer have to live your life avoiding one. When you can do something even when it’s hard, it means you own it- it no longer has power over you.

Therefore -

What I suggest is that when you are transitioning and that old habit or block shows up, you can choose to see it as a dormant, fearful energy being activated in order to be released. It’s saying to you, “You don’t need to carry me around anymore, but in order for us to go our separate ways, you first need to experience not being controlled by me.” Your fear of it actually keeps you connected to it. So when it shows up at what seems to be the wrong time, it is actually an offer of freedom. Instead of being a sign that you aren’t nearly as far along as you thought and nothing is ever really going change, it’s a signal that you are standing on the threshold.

Now imagine how extraordinary it will feel to encounter a problem that always shows up in all your relationships and it turns out to be no big deal. Think of all the possibilities in your career when that limiting belief that always held you back is once and for all debunked.

Did you ever consider that all your lifelong obstacles are just as sick of you as you are of them and keep trying to get you to let them go?

Noticing tree photo by ZeMoufette

Wondering what we’ll cover in my upcoming 8-week course, “The Spiritual Journey in Cinema: How Film Illustrates the Process of Coming to Consciousness”?

In this 5-minute video, I define Shadow and Archetype, then talk about the Shadow Father Archetype in two well-known films.

Which films would you use to illustrate Shadow Father Archetype in action?  Share in the comments below, or sign up for the class.